Managing Up: Your Parents

Marshall Goldsmith, best-selling author of What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, was teaching a one-day leadership course for a large health-care company at the Oakland Convention Center. There were about a thousand managers and union leaders in the room. One woman was given a microphone and rose to speak to the entire room. She said, “I have read many of the things that you have written and have been to your course a couple of times before. There is one thing that you have always left out in your teaching that I believe you should add. You always talk about the value of asking direct reports, ‘How can I be a better manager?’ Or asking co-workers, ‘How can I be a better team player?’ Or asking customers, ‘How can I be a better supplier?’ And even asking partners or children, ‘How can I be a better partner or better parent?’ The one thing that you have left out that you should start teaching everyone is to ask their parents, ‘How can I be a better daughter or a better son?’”

She went on with her personal story. “After my last course with you, as you suggested, I asked my daughter, ‘What can I do to be a better mother?’ We had a wonderful discussion. Then I thought, why not call my mother? I called and asked her, ‘What can I do to be a better daughter?’ Her mother replied, “Now that Dad is dead, I live all alone. Every day I walk up that long drive to go to the mailbox. Almost every day there is nothing in the mailbox. This makes me feel very lonely. It would mean so much to me if you could just send me some cards, or pictures, or notes—so that when I walk to the mailbox there will be a little something inside.” So the woman started sending cards, pictures, and notes to her mother. What did that cost her? Nothing. What did it mean to her mother? Everything.

So now Goldsmith includes this woman’s story in almost every class he teaches. He suggests that if you have parents who are still alive, please call them and ask, ‘What can I do to be a better son or daughter?’ Your colleagues at work are very important. Your parents are even more important—and you may not have that much time.” I have a friend who lives in Hawaii. When his parents lived in California, he called them every single day—even when he was on vacation—because as he told me, “he never knew when they were going to pass away, so he wanted to make sure that he had the chance to speak to them as often as possible while they were still alive.” His mother passed away a few years ago and now his father lives with him in Hawaii.

So if your mother or father is still alive, ask them: “What can I do to be a better son or daughter?” This is good advice for three reasons:

1) It is good for them. Even if they say, “There is nothing you can do to be a better son or daughter,” they will be happy that you cared enough to ask.

2) It is good for you. The No. 1 regret that children have when their parents die is: “Why didn’t I let them know how much I appreciated all that they did for me?” Show how much you care before it is too late. Later on, you will be grateful that you did.

3) If you have children, asking your parent(s) how you can be a better child is good for your children too. You know that old person—your parent—whom you are calling on the phone? In an incredibly short period of time, you are going to be that old person. Do you want your children to call you? Remember, their understanding of our values does not come from what we say; it comes from what we do.

Sources: “Managing Up: Your Parents” BusinessWeek Online (July 31, 2007)
http://www.marshallgoldsmithlibrary.com/